So, to set up this piece – it’s intended as a farce, as a joke, and as a writing exercise. The task was to create an erotic story that is full of terrible analogies, bad metaphors, and is all-around purposefully just…well, bad. So, enjoy the laughs – but be careful reading ahead because there is sexuality (even if it is produced in a terrible way) and some very naughty words and language. – Joe
He could feel the palpitations in his heart when she walked into the room. Of course, the palpitations were almost certainly directly related to his third nipple, but for some reason science hadn’t actually nailed that down for sure. For now, he was going with the long dandelion stems flowing out from under her one-piece dress that clung to all of her curves harder than the cyclists he’d seen in the Tour-De-France. Unlike Lance, both of his own balls were throbbing by the time he peeled his eyes from her body. There was a god.
Her face flushing, the young woman cleared her throat. She knew the look in his eyes, and she was used to it – but not from this young but somehow old looking barista. How old was he, anyway? She found herself wondering what kind of car he drove and decided that, at least in her mind, he rode a motorcycle. She pictured the machinery between his legs.
“Hi. Welcome,” he said in a deep baritone voice that reverberated throughout her petite frame like a Harley engine. She watched his lips move beneath the whiskers of his untrimmed mustache as he spoke and she involuntarily licked her own lips.
“Um, hi,” she said, stammering. Idiot, she thought. “I’m looking for something sweet, but…like, not too sweet? Does that make sense?” She fidgeted with one of the buttons of her dress, the top one. As she did, she could see his eyes traveling down into the valley of her chest where he found ample fruits.
It was his turn to lick his lips.
“Oh, yeah,” he said, nodding. He looked into her crystal green eyes and found himself swimming in their depths. He almost drowned, but she blinked. “I totally get what you mean. Do you like…”
She found herself waiting breathlessly, knowing what he’d say next but needing to feel the power of his baritone complete the sentence, a verbal climax.
“…chocolate?” He finished, resting his elbows on the counter.
“Uh-huh,” she replied, leaning onto the counter as well, exposing the tops of her ample melons to his greedy eyes, allowing him non-restricted access to her body’s ample gifts. He had an all-day pass to her proverbial theme park and she was Walt fucking Disney. She felt like any minute now she’d also be a proverbial Splash Mountain.
“Well,” he said, letting his eyes linger for a moment. “We have a mocha latte. Do you like it cold…or hot?”
“Oh my god,” she said. “Hot. Definitely…hot.” She undid another button. Customers had begun to line up behind her, but it only made it more exciting. She liked it when people watched.
He moved to the espresso machine and poured some milk into a metal steaming pitcher. He poured it slow, deliberately. Some splashed on his thick and uncallused fingers and he absentmindedly stuck them in his mouth, despite it being a clear QASA violation. This woman was upsetting his equilibrium, spinning him off his axis like a world hit by a comet of hotness. She was the comet and he was the world. Whichever one, it didn’t matter – but dinosaurs definitely became extinct, and those dinosaurs were definitely his inhibitions.
He locked eyes with her again, and she watched as he steamed the milk. The milk began to froth, and he had to manually adjust the wand’s depth into the pitcher by lowering and raising the pitcher up and down. Up and down. The act took on a very erotic feel as he felt her watch his pitcher gyrations. His green apron was hiding his massive cock bulging beneath his work-appropriate pants, and he knew she was searching for it like Sir Walter Raleigh had searched tirelessly for El Dorado – the Lost City of Gold. The only difference between she and Raleigh was that she was hot and a woman and she’d find his dick in all sorts of ways.
She watched him finish, and by this time her meat wallet was filled with the sweet payoff of his actions. When he handed her the latte, she briefly touched the tips of his fingers and an electric shock was sent shrieking through her engorged labia and she felt like they’d start flapping any second to lift her off into ecstasy.
“Here you go,” he said in his deep baritone. “That will be $7.95.”
Her pussy exploded with the force of a fire hydrant. $7.95 for a latte. She really enjoyed a good fucking.
My wife and me in better times. RIPTop Row, Left To Right: Franklin Ard, Joseph Carro, Shane Collins. Bottom Row, Left To Right: Enza Vescera, Chloe Collins
I was sitting in the cafe where I work one afternoon when, as my boss was leaving for the day, she caught my attention – waving and saying “Goodbye, Joe” as she walked out the door. I looked up from my work, responding with my own “goodbye” before resuming my work and thinking nothing about the man on my right; The college kid who was impeccably dressed, and who looked absorbed in his own work. I stared instead at the charging symbol on my phone, willing it to download faster than it was. I had a lot of work to do.
I heard a laugh come from his direction, and I reflexively turned to face him. I noticed he wore glasses with black rims.
“My name is Joe, too,” he said, smiling. “When she said your name, I thought she was talking to me and I was confused as to how she knew me.”
I laughed and extended my hand for a shake, which he gripped with his own. “Nice to meet you,” I said. “People always ask me if it’s my real name because I work in a coffee shop.”
He gave me a quizzical look.
“Y’know,” I said, rolling my eyes. “The whole ‘cup of Joe’ thing?”
“Well, I guess it’s a pretty common name.”
“Definitely,” I said. “What, were you born in the 80’s or 90’s?”
He smiled and tilted his head as if wondering how I knew. “It was in ’92. And, you?”
I shrugged. “It was the 80’s, man. I had to deal with G.I. Joe – that type of thing. Got it all the time.”
He laughed. “Well, occasionally I have been referred to as Joe Black.”
“Well,” I shrugged, “At least you’re associated with Brad Pitt.”
He laughed again, this time for longer. “Yes,” he said, pointing out his brown skin. “You can definitely see the resemblance.”
Over the next forty-five minutes, we held a great conversation. He explained to me that he was born in Sudan, and then ended up moving successively to Uganda, Kenya, Egypt, and then a few other places before settling here in America. He was very curious about my writing and editing (which I explained to him was what I was doing), and asked me lots of questions about the creative process, and whether or not I might travel to teach English abroad. I returned by asking him what he likes about mechanical engineering and bio-chemistry – two things I know virtually nothing about, but which he said he was going to school for. There were a few awkward pauses as I scrunched up my face, trying to understand the complexities of the subjects and failing. Finally, I asked him where he wanted to go to grad school. He thought for a long while and then told me he wasn’t sure and was still looking into several. When we were finished talking, we shook hands once more and thanked the other for the conversation.
“It was very nice to meet you,” he said, turning back to his scientific study.
“Likewise,” I replied. “Thanks for the conversation.” My phone was finally done charging.
With the conversation ended, we both sat in comfortable silence and worked on our respective projects.
Sometimes all you need is one thing in common, even if it’s just a really common birth name – and any other differences can become conversation points instead of fundamental differences. We’re all just a bunch of average Joes when you really get down to it, because “Joe” is just a name – and as such, it was a tenuous connection at best which bridged communication between us that otherwise would likely never have happened.
Portland is the largest city here in Maine, with a population of about 67, 000. It is a port town, with a total area of around 69.44 square miles. The city itself rests on a peninsula in Casco Bay, situated in the Gulf of Maine and the Atlantic Ocean.
Portland has seen some rough times since the 1970’s when it experienced an economic depression (Due to the Maine Mall being built), but once the downtown area began to be developed and reshaped, it has experienced an unprecedented boom in recent years. Now, people flock here to eat, to eat some more, and eat again. (Seriously, there are lots of places to eat here – more restaurants per capita than San Francisco … Well, sort of. The truth in that statement lies somewhere between fact and fiction, but there is still around one restaurant for every 118 people).
Eating isn’t the only thing worth doing here, though. There are plenty of cafes, bars, theaters, and attractions to keep the casual traveler busy for a few days (or even years…I was born here and as an adult I’ve lived here for half a decade and I still haven’t experienced everything in Portland) or especially for a day trip. My goal as your Maine Man is to provide you with some jumping-off points, some basic places to hit that will enable you to experience what Portland has to offer you. There are some spots I don’t really frequent due to my own personal tastes, but the ones I list I have not only been to but have enjoyed in some capacity, and I hope you will too.
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PLACES TO EAT
BREAKFAST or BRUNCH: There are many really decent breakfast places around, and breakfast is one of the meals I routinely go out to eat for. Portland is a haven for brunch but also has some really decent breakfast options, too. First off, if you want something simple – Katie Made Bakery is a very good choice; The dining space is small, with only a couple of tables, so if you plan on eating there then you may have an issue. Aside from that, Katie Made serves up very delicious breakfast sandwiches which Katie makes herself, right in front of you – I always get the “Fully Loaded with sausage” (and if you don’t try one of their strawberry cheese pastries you’re missing out on food of the gods). If you want a more traditional dining experience, Becky’s Diner and Maelily Ryleigh’s are two of my favorite local breakfast diners. Both Becky’s and Maelily’s are very affordable, with the service being on the faster side. Maelily’s is open at hours geared toward the breakfast and lunch crowd only, while Becky’s is open most of the day for other meals. I would say that I generally like the food at Becky’s better, but prices are lower at Maelily’s. Both places serve traditional American diner food. Portland Pottery Cafe is another great mid-price option for brunch as well, and they serve up some delicious and generous portions of Huevos Rancheros. If you’re looking for a more high-end experience, try out Hot Suppa, Local 188, or The Little Tap House for delicious brunch or breakfast options. At Hot Suppa, where comfort food is king, you must sample their famous Eggs Benedict (I like mine with pulled pork). At Local 188, check out their mouthwatering “Legs And Eggs” option – confited and fried chicken leg, eggs any way you want them, yummy grits, and a golden biscuit. Lastly, at Little Tap House, you can get Poutine and Eggs…the perfect brunch meal, and they do it so well. There are plenty of other local spots for breakfast or brunch here in Portland, but these are my favorites, all largely based on cost and also the quality of food. I always come back for more, and so will you. HONORABLE MENTION:The Porthole
LUNCH: So, now that you’ve had breakfast and explored Portland a bit – you’re starting to get hungry again. Luckily there are lots of places around for a takeout meal if you’re picnicking or on the road. There are also some sit down places with light fare that will give you some energy throughout the day. If you’re like me and love sandwiches to fulfill your lunchtime needs, you’re in luck. For the literal best sandwich in town, you need to check out The Local Press – where the owner mans the counter and chats with you while he prepares delicious paninis and other sandwiches. My favorite panini from the Press is the “Buena Vista” – Black Forest Ham, oven gold turkey, swiss cheese, pickles, and mustard. Po’ Boys & Pickles is a local favorite, and the favorite of most of my co-workers. I usually get the Debris Po’ Boy, which has slow cooked roast beef, gravy, lettuce, tomato, and horseradish mayo…though sometimes I spring for the red bean soup or the pulled pork potato skins. If sandwiches aren’t your thing, maybe a slice of pizza will do the trick. There are many places for pizza here in Portland, but my personal favorites are OTTO (which can be found in many locations throughout Portland) and Bonobo Woodfire Pizza. OTTO is my personal favorite with generous thin-crust slices and fresh ingredients. I love the Chicken Basil, as well as the Margherita. Really, really affordable as well. Bonobo serves up the more traditional deep dish pizza, and while I can’t get enough of their regular pepperoni pizza, I sometimes spring for a whole pie of their “Caspian” – which is topped with roasted chicken, smoked tomatoes, garlic, and basil. Also, I mentioned both Katie Made Bakery and Portland Pottery Cafe in my breakfast section, but Katie Made has a killer sandwich selection around lunch time (my favorite is Katie’s Cubano sandwich), and Portland Pottery Cafe has really, really rich and elegant soups and stews which they change up mostly every day. I have never been disappointed there. Another affordable and delicious lunch option, if you happen to like Thai food, is the Mi Sen Noodle Bar. At Mi Sen, you can choose between many delicious appetizers (the Green Curry Satay is my favorite – grilled chicken skewers marinated in green curry and topped with basil leaves and green curry-basil sauce), soups (try the Chicken Num Sai – chicken broth, ground chicken, bean sprouts, green beans, scallions, cilantro, and a crispy wonton sheet). They even have rice and noodle entrees, to boot – and my favorite is their version of Drunken Noodle (I usually get mine with beef). HONORABLE MENTION:Ruski’s Tavern
DINNER: If you’ve been in Portland, you probably feel like you’ve eaten all day – and you probably have, because there are so many great places to eat. If you’re only going to eat one meal in Portland, you really should focus on a nice dinner somewhere. The choices before you are daunting, but I am here to help. As such, this category will have its own subsection.
BURGERS: If you want a really good burger, I would have to recommend Shay’s Grill Pub. I have tried numerous burgers from chains as well as other pubs and diners around the area, and I find Shay’s variety and quality to be the best. My favorite is their Cowboy Burger (Cheddar cheese, bacon, Captain Mowatt’s Bar Harbor(que) sauce (spicy), topped with crispy onion rings.) My second favorite would be from Nosh Kitchen Bar – which is more innovative and adventurous in their burger offerings (their “Burnt Trailer Queen” burger contains a NOSH burger patty, blueberry cream cheese, two donuts as the bread, black forest ham, Allen’s Coffee Brandy—dulce de leech, and bacon dust), but also much more expensive. Their fries are to die for, however – and you can get them infused with salt and vinegar, or bacon-dusted.
IRISH-AMERICAN FARE: Portland is a big Irish town, and so there are still many Irish eateries around. My personal favorite due to the atmosphere and meal options and prices is Bull Feeney’s – located in a building where legendary film director John Ford’s father ran a grocery store from. My favorite dish to get there is the Bangers and Colcannon – pure comfort food. Ri Ra is my runner up, but tends to be a bit more expensive than Bull Feeney’s on many of their dishes. Their Cottage Pie is the best (Braised beef short rib and Guinness brown gravy with peas & carrots, topped with mashed potatoes and Pineland cheddar crust) and it’s usually what I end up getting when I go there.
BBQ: For me personally, there is really only one option for delicious barbecue in Portland, and that is Salvage BBQ. Salvage has the absolute best barbecued meats in the area, and I have never been unsatisfied. Their basic beef briscuit alone is to die for, but they also serve many side dishes as well as other meats like chicken and pork chops and, of course, ribs.
JAPANESE CUISINE: There are a couple of decent Japanese eateries in Portland. My personal favorite is Fuji Restaurant. Fuji is also coincidentally my favorite steak place as well, because the way they cook it on the hibachi grill just blows away my taste buds. The hibachi experience is one you should definitely check out if you go with friends. If you want a Japanese ramen bar experience, there is also Pai Men Miyake where I always enjoy a bowl of Shoyu – chicken and soy broth, pork belly, soy marinated egg, scallion, ginger, nori.
THAI FOOD: My favorite location for Thai other than Mi Sen (which is more suitable for lunch, to me, for their portion levels) is Mekong Asian Bistro. They serve Thai, Chinese, and Vietnamese dishes and not just Thai options. I usually end up getting their Chicken Drunken Noodle, but their Pad Thai is excellent as well. My runner up is the Green Elephant – which serves up Asian-inspired vegetarian dishes. Despite not being a vegetarian myself, their food is excellently prepared – just a little on the pricier side. My favorite at the Green Elephant is the Green Curry with Tofu – which contains broccoli, bok choy, green beans, snow peas, bell peppers, carrots, zucchini, Thai-basil, and microgreens in a green coconut milk curry, served with jasmine brown rice.
MEXICAN FARE: The Mexican options seem to always be changing in Portland, but one of my favorite spots for Mexican food is Taco Escobarr. Whenever I go, I can’t resist getting a nice big helping of Carne Esada Enchiladas. The atmosphere is usually friendly and well-lit, and the service is prompt most of the time.
ITALIAN: There are a few choice spots for Italian food here in Portland, but my favorite by far would be Ribollita. It’s a very small, homey eating atmosphere (you feel like you’re in someone’s dining room) with absolutely delicious food, my favorite of which is their Penna Arrabiatta. Ribollita also has on hand a collection of really nice Italian wines. My runner up, based on cost and taste, would be The Corner Room – where they serve up a formidable Papardelle and Mushrooms, my favorite dish they make.
INDIAN FOOD: Finding a place that serves good Indian food is sort of a challenge, but there’s one gem that stands out in Portland for Indian food, for me, and that is Hi Bombay. Situated right in the Old Port, Hi Bombay’s prices are reasonable, the place is clean, and the portions are generous. You can find all the old staples available, and my favorite is the Chicken Labedar or the Chicken Tikka Masala. Their naan is the absolute best in the area, too.
There are many, many more eateries in Portland. Many other sub-categories I could delve into, but Portland has so many restaurants it would be impossible to list them all here. I’ve provided at least a few jumping off places for great local dining, no big chains (which can also be found here in Portland, though sparsely), and hopefully you will like the ones I’ve listed as much as I do. I encourage you to explore and find your own favorite spots to eat – but these are mine.
Now that we’ve gotten eating out of the way, we can move onto places to play.
PLACES TO PLAY
Restaurants and eating are a big part of what makes Portland so great. Other towns I write about in my Maine Man segments will likely not have anything close to the amount of eateries to list as does Portland. But the places to play are going to be divided into sub-categories as well, because for some people, “play” can mean lots of different things.
COFFEE: Any good traveler knows that, just like their car, they too are going to need fuel. Coffee (if you’re into that) can also be a fun stop in its own right as there are plenty of cafes and roasteries that offer not only coffee but other sorts of entertainment. I work at Starbucks here in Portland, and you can find plenty of those around – but Bard Coffee is a local favorite. The baristas are all proficient with Instagram-able latte art, and their chai is delicious – and if you need a place to rest or do some writing or reading, Bard has plenty of seating space. Yordprom is my personal favorite, with a smaller cafe but an outdoor patio with lots of plants. I usually get their Cafe Mocha latte.
NIGHT LIFE: There is so much to do and see in Portland, especially at night. My favorite bar for dancing is Bubba’s Sulky Lounge, where there is a light-up dance floor and they have an 80’s Night . If you want to sing or witness some karaoke, Old Port Tavern is the most lively place for it, if a little chaotic. My favorite bar for cocktails is The Bearded Lady’s Jewel Box – unmarked by signage and situated inside a nice, cozy environment with tinted windows and candlelight. Their bartenders are extremely knowledgeable and skilled at making original cocktails on a drink menu that changes daily. For wine and live music, I enjoy MJ’s Wine Bar – a classy little place with experienced sommeliers, and very well-put together plates of finger foods (meats, cheeses, fruits). For beer – the best place around with the most beers to choose from is Novare Res Bier Cafe – where you can peruse their pages-long menu of imported and local beers. They have a good number of meads to pick from if that’s your thing, too. The best place for local live music is often at Blue, where they have acquired an eclectic stable of performers – with anything from Middle Eastern music to Irish Folk music. And, if you’re the artistic type and want to paint something while drinking, you can always go alone or grab a group of friends to take with you to Muse Paintbar. And, ultimately, if you’re into the whole strip club scene, we even have a strip club here – PT’s Showclub. Finally, if you’re more of a laid back drinker, you can check out LFK – where every week, there is a literary open mic and writers read their work in front of the entire bar.
ATTRACTIONS: Aside from the many restaurants, shops, bars, and cafes in Portland – there are lots of attractions to check out. Make sure to make at least one of these things a priority on your visit because Portland has some pretty unique things to do that you’ll remember.——-> THE FERRY:Portland is home to a few islands in its vicinity, the most notable being Peaks Island, which is often bustling in the Summer with weddings and other lively functions. While on Peaks, you can rent a bike or a golf cart and explore the outskirts, or you can visit the few American Civil War museums on the island (Civil War Veterans had a couple vacation spots on the island where they gathered every year). The scenery is beautiful, the people are kind, and the ferry ride through Casco Bay is really relaxing. If you have more time, you can even take the ferry mail route and visit the other islands. One final thing on Peaks is an old abandoned military installation called Battery Steele – 14 acres of World War II tunnels and fortifications which is now used to host interpretive art projects during an annual festival.
Me with John, one of my grad school friends, messing around at Battery Steele on Peaks Island.
——-> THE PORTLAND OBSERVATORY: One of the oldest landmarks in Portland, The Observatory is a wooden signal tower on Munjoy Hill (on Portland’s East End) that was built in 1807. Inside, you can take a guided tour of the tower and learn its history before reaching the (for me) vertigo-inducing top. The tower played a large part in Portland’s economic development, and it’s neat that it survived the multiple fires that burned most of the city throughout Portland’s history.
An old telescope which you can see if you visit the Observatory.
——-> MUSEUMS: Portland has many museums, but the flagship museum is the Portland Museum of Art. They recently renovated, so the place looks really spiffy. The PMA has lots of great art to showcase, and in addition to that – attached as an installation to the main museum is a historic mansion called the McLellan-Sweat Mansion, where you can walk through and see the “floating staircase”. On top of that, you can schedule a tour through the museum for Winslow Homer’s art studio, located in Prout’s Neck (located not in Portland, but in nearby Scarborough). Other museums in the area include the Victoria Mansion (a 19th century Italian-villa style home with original furnishings intact), the Children’s Museum (if you have kids, it’s the perfect place to bring them to play), the Maine Narrow Gauge Railroad Museum (if you’re into Maine’s rich railroad history), or even the Cryptozoology Museum (if you’re interested in learning about Bigfoot or other mythical beasts). There are many more museums here in Portland, but these are some of my favorites.
A statue I snapped a photo of recently when I went to the re-open of the Portland Museum of Art.
——-> BREWERIES: There are many breweries in the area, but one of my favorites to frequent when I have that particular itch is Allagash Brewing Company. On their website, you can book a free tour of their brewery, and Allagash has some of the tastiest brews around. Another favorite of mine is Bissell Brothers Brewing Co. There are others, but I’ve had the best experiences with these and also they happen to be some of my favorite beers in general.
These were just a few suggestions, some basic starting points for your adventures in Portland. I enjoy all of these locations and activities for different reasons, and I invite you to contribute your own suggestions in the comments if you feel I’ve missed something vital. Like I said, I still have not experienced every single thing that Portland has to offer, and I probably never will even as long as I live here. But, keep an eye out for future installments of Maine Man, and I will try to give basic write-ups for each town and city I visit in the future.
Friend Files is a feature I added to my blog, Away With Words, a while back – this being the 21st installment. Past installments appear under the “Friend Files” tag on my blog. I will be interviewing a friend of mine and showcasing why they are a friend to me and what I like about them, and also a mini-interview (five questions) that detail what they think of me. It’s a way to acknowledge my friends out there and what they’re up to and also introduce them to my larger group of friends, acquaintances, and anyone else who might be interested in reading.
Today, I will be talking about Ramon Anderson – Martinez. Before I get into what I think of him, here is my mini-interview with Ramon (exchanged over Facebook) where he jotted down just a few thoughts:
Ramon Anderson – Martinez – Graphic Designer, Art History Buff, Trekkie, Husband
RAMON ANDERSON – MARTINEZ’S FRIEND FILES INTERVIEW
ME:Give me some details about your life.
RAMON ANDERSON – MARTINEZ: I’m currently living in Portland, Maine with my husband (best husband ever) and my dog (best dog ever). However, I’ve only lived in Maine for three years now – I grew up in Wisconsin. Right now, I’m working at a bed and breakfast in town, making ends meet while taking classes towards a hopeful future Master’s degree in Public Policy.
As far as hobbies and interests go, I guess primarily, I enjoy chasing my dog in circles around the apartment until one of us passes out. Really though, I love art history. Going to art museums, reading up on my favorite artists and periods. Personal favorites of mine are Frida Kahlo and Mark Rothko. I also enjoy the hell out of comic books. I am primarily an intractable Marvel fanboy, but my favorite story of all time is Promethea, by Alan Moore.
I also enjoy video games, board games, and tabletop games, pottery, photography, and being outdoors – hiking and camping and rolling in the dirt.
ME:How exactly did we meet?
RAMON ANDERSON – MARTINEZ: We met when I was hired at Saco Starbucks. I remember seeing your impressive bearded visage across the bar on the day that I came in to interview with Jill (our boss). I remember thinking “oh man, people here are all cool and interesting and probably tight-knit. I’m gonna’ be super awkward.”
And then I was.
To your credit though, you either didn’t notice or didn’t care, because you were legitimately the first friend I made in Maine – you were always friendly and helpful and had some terribly uncomfortable joke or story to tell that made the entire experience much more….rich.
ME:What is one good memory you have involving me?
RAMON ANDERSON – MARTINEZ: Our entire time working together was a good memory! The dad jokes, the David Bowie Halloween, the time you drew portraits of all of us, the week long “chin-boy” harassment episode… the list goes on. What stands out to me is that you were always fun to work with and always a good and engaging friend. That’s a pretty rare thing.
ME:Why exactly are we still friends?
RAMON ANDERSON – MARTINEZ: Because you’re cool?
Because we amuse one another on facebook?
Because I can be pretty prickly and antisocial, and you have a cool way of making that not matter.
What can I say? Why does anyone stay friends? We get along, we have common interests, we have a good laugh, and I’M NOT DONE WITH YOU, JOE CARRO.
ME: Anything you want me to plug?
RAMON ANDERSON – MARTINEZ: I humbly donate this plug to a charitable organization of your choosing. I’m not a plugger, and I’m honestly not really doing anything plug-worthy right now. Haha.
Ramon is a strange and wonderful human. When I first met him, I was angry that someone taller than me had entered the world of our little store in Saco. (Not really, I just love to be dramatic) But eventually, I found common ground with Ramon. We both liked video games. He was super-into Pokemon and Everquest and Final Fantasy. We were both into some nerdy fandoms – he was into Star Trek while I was into Star Wars. The thing that really drew me to Ramon, though, was his honesty. If Ramon disagrees with you on something – he will stay silent for a while, sort of viewing you as he lowers his head and narrows his eyes. If he thinks something you say is funny, he throws his head back and guffaws. If he has something to interject, he will do so in an intelligent way that isn’t cumbersome and is very understandable and concise.
Honesty, as I’ve said before in these Friend Files interviews – is a quality which I admire in other people. I always know where I stand with Ramon. We disagree here and there on different things, because we are human beings and we’ve had different experiences and upbringings. But we always connect on other things, which is why we are still friends.
There are many work-related memories I have with Ramon. Outside of work, we haven’t really hung out all that much – but we are both internet people, and I interact with Ramon on a daily basis more so than even some of my current co-workers. He’s always sharing some sort of interesting meme or news about comic books. He recommended me to my now-favorite fried chicken place called Figgy’s (seriously, it’s good – you need to check it out if you’re in the West End here in Portland, Maine) and one time he knew how much I loved Elder Scrolls, so he gave me access to his Elder Scrolls: Online beta, which was super-nice of him.
I’ve seen Ramon start out just like the rest of us, as a barista – and move through the chain up until he ran his own store recently – all in a very short amount of time, which shows just how smart and dedicated this guy is. And now, he is pursuing other, more meaningful things – which I also greatly admire, and I know he’ll go on to do great things. He is someone I can trust, and is someone I’m glad to call a friend. He’s got a really cool dog, and his husband Richard is a really cool guy as well. Ramon’s a good guy and deserves all this coolness in his life.
And now, I will leave you with some photos that showcase my friendship with Ramon as well as his character as a human being.
A picture I took of Ramon at the store we worked at together. I put the tiger from a Sumatra retail faceout on his back.A drawing I did of Ramon for our employee wall at work.Ramon hates J.J. Abrams so I made this meme with his face in it.Ramon and his awesome husband Richard.Ramon and his dog, Seito.
Friend Files is a feature I’ve added to Away With Words, this being the seventeenth installment. Past installments appear under the “Friend Files” tag on my blog. I will be interviewing a friend of mine and showcasing why they are a friend to me and what I like about them, and also a mini-interview (five questions) that detail what they think of me. It’s a way to acknowledge my friends out there and what they’re up to and also introduce them to my larger group of friends, acquaintances, and anyone else who might be interested in reading.
Today, I will be talking about Ariana Whalen. Before I get into what I think of her, here is my mini-interview with Ariana (exchanged over Facebook) where she jotted down just a few thoughts:
Ariana Whalen – Barista, Nature Lover, Student Of Yoga
ARIANA WHALEN’S FRIEND FILES INTERVIEW
ME:Give me some details about your life.
ARIANA WHALEN: Hmm. Well, I work at Starbucks and I like to think I make the world slightly less homicidal one cup at a time. I’m sort of a workaholic – I am taking fifteen credits this upcoming semester, and I made sure I could still work 40 hours each week. I love to explore the outdoors. I wish I could get paid to do that, actually – not like hardcore shit – but just leisure hiking, trying out new food, and finding new places. That’s not really a job, though. So, I continue to work at the ‘bucks while I work my way through school. I have a larger family, and I love each and every one of them, but they are all crazy. My family was once compared to a Wes Anderson film.
ME:How exactly did we meet?
ARIANA WHALEN: Definitely through the ‘bucks (Starbucks) in Saco! Maine Starbucks are a complete 180 from the rest of the country. They are a breed of their own. I remember thinking, “Holy shit, this place is crazy.” It was summer and all of the Canadians were flooding the Old Orchard area, flocking to Starbucks like the beacon of energy that it can be. I remember you being ridiculously calm about us being super understaffed, and me thinking that you had just shut down or something – that you would eventually come to your senses and realize that our situation was insane. I would realize later, and have come to appreciate, that you literally do not care about the crazy aspects of our job. Because it is just coffee and people are going to be happy or mean regardless of what you do. That’s their choice. We just do the best we can. I hope I’ve been able to steal some of that.
ME:What is one good memory you have involving me?
ARIANA WHALEN:Hmm. Well, there are a couple that come to mind, but I think my favorite is Wine Bar Night. Admittedly, I don’t remember all of Wine Bar Night. #TequilaProblems. However, I do remember drinking a bunch of tequila with our coworkers. Then, meeting you at Muse, and all of us just being absolutely ridiculous, yelling all the way across the room, “Joeeee!” And you were relatively nonplussed over our states while the entire rest of the room was just oozing judgement. I remember eating pizza afterwards with you and Alli (a mutual friend and former co-worker) and thinking how I couldn’t have ended up in a better situation. Oh! And I remember falling right on my back and having my painting smash into my face and someone helped me up. Maybe it was you. I’m not sure. I do remember my spine felt suffused with the cold sidewalk. That’s probably one of my favorite sort of memories. Sort of because my memory of it is a little shoddy.
ME:Why exactly are we still friends?
ARIANA WHALEN: Well, you can’t get rid of me until you quit. And even then, I’d probably pester you from time to time. I enjoy smart, talented humans and try and keep them around. You obviously fall in that category and are on my twelve year old level of “that’s what she said” jokes. Alicia (mutual friend and co-worker) and I will occasionally say something, say, “That’s what she said” and then be really bummed out that you weren’t there for it.
So, I would say reasons are a) you can’t get rid of me because of work b) I think you’re a groovy human, c) I have a terribly mean sense of humor and you tolerate it well. Hahah. Also, I blame my sense of humor on my family. This is all their fault.
ME: Anything you want me to plug?
ARIANA WHALEN: Well, I am very selfish about my social media habits. I have an INSTAGRAM account that is open to followers, but I mostly post so I can be reminded of the places I’ve been. I have a TUMBLR, but I don’t ever post anything but my very personal thoughts/ experiences, and my editing on it is nonexistent.
Ariana is, indeed, correct about where and how we first met. It was when she transferred to my store in Saco from California. When she first arrived at the store, everyone was curious about her. She was attractive, and so the guys had been discussing her off and on. When I finally was able to talk to her on a shift, she was very open, very nice, and very funny. One day we were having a store meeting after I’d gotten to know her a bit better and she told me that she was going to bike to the meeting. It ended up raining, and when she arrived at the store she was soaked from head to toe. At the time, I thought it was great (and still do) that she not only still biked to work in the storm but also that she loved it. Some people would have been frustrated that they’d chanced biking out in the weather and ended up in a downpour, but Ariana tends to roll with the punches when she can, which sets her apart from a lot of other people. But that doesn’t mean that Ariana isn’t passionate about things and causes she stands for. Many times, she and I have had long discussions about politics or hot-button issues, and Ariana definitely stands her ground, which I respect. At the end of the day, though, even if she still disagrees with you – she doesn’t discount you as a fellow human.
When Ariana transferred to a different store – I thought I’d never end up working with her again. It was a bummer, for sure, but that’s how retail goes and so it wasn’t unexpected. However, things ended up working out so that I needed to transfer from my old store in Saco and I ended up at the store Ariana was working in, and now we currently work together once more (which was really nice when I first started because I at least knew someone) which has been really fun. When I was working with her at my old store, I was a shift manager and she was just a regular barista. Now, the roles are reversed and she is a shift manager while I’m a regular barista. It’s been cool to explore the different dynamic and to see how she leads others, including me, on her shifts.
One of my own favorite memories of Ariana was, like her own, when we went to the Muse Paintbar in Portland, Maine with a bunch of our co-workers. It was the first real time I’d ever hung out with her in a setting outside of work, and it was nice to see her with her guard down a little bit. We laughed, she painted like a crazy-woman, and even though she was a little tipsy toward the end, it only made the evening that much more fun. However, there are many other memories I have of Ariana involving work, where we spent entire shifts joking around or even outside of work when we’ve met for drinks or food and I’ve gotten to know more about her as a person and have discovered what a unique and interesting lady she is.
I, for one, am glad that Ariana came to work at my store in Saco and I was able to get to know her there, and now at our new store in Portland. She is definitely a human worth knowing. And now, without further ado, I will showcase some images I think help show Ariana’s character as well as some images relevant to our friendship.
Ariana and me working on Halloween at our old store in Saco, Maine.Another of Ariana and me at our old store on Halloween Day.Ariana took time out of her study to send me a photo of something she was telling me about.This picture pretty much sums up Ariana in one image.An image I doctored after a rough night at work to say that my co-workers were all superheroes. Ariana is in the middle, I’m on the left.Ariana, in her natural state.When I went with Ariana (far left) to the Muse Paintbar in Portland, Maine with a bunch of other co-workers.
I still remember where I met my former wife for the first time – we’ll call her “Abby”. We’d agreed to meet at a 7-11, of all places, in Old Orchard Beach here in Maine. I stepped into the store after it didn’t seem like she’d show up, and I called her number from the payphone inside. She apologized for being late and said she’d be right there. When she stepped out of her car, I remember thinking that she was pretty. We introduced ourselves and then discussed what the night had in store for our first official date since we’d met on Match.Com
The date was pretty low-key for the most part. We went to Old Orchard Beach, even though it was winter, and we bought some fries and walked on the beach for a long time. We talked and she told me how her family was always pressuring her to get married, since her sister and her mother both had been with their high school sweethearts and had been happily married as early as possible. We finished the night by going to Portland and getting ice cream in the old port. It was a strange date, for sure, and though I’d had fun – it was only one date. I figured if we dated more in the future, I would get to know her better. The second date didn’t come, not for a while anyway.
On the day she was supposed to call me for our second date, I got dressed up and went to hang out at my workplace for support from my work friends at a pizza place. She never called, and I tried calling her to no avail. The next day, I went online and she had left a message for me saying that she had met another guy, someone who lived closer. She asked me why she should date me and not him. Confused, I explained that we had only been on one date and that we still didn’t know each other well enough to make any sort of grand-standing statements about why we should date one another. I should have taken this as a sign for the future, but time erases all things.
In any case, Abby started dating the other guy. A co-worker of mine at the time saw what effort I put into the date and sat with me the night before, and before too long she and I were dating. So Abby and I both went our separate ways for a time, but stayed in touch on social media. According to Abby, she had been sort of watching me from a distance and seeing statuses on MySpace about how much I cared for my co-worker girlfriend and she had regretted getting with the other guy, who owned his own business and never had time for her.
Fast forward to when our relationships both ended (my girlfriend had entered the coast guard, and when she got out she cut all ties with anyone she’d known previously) and Abby offered to buy me drinks on my birthday. I agreed, and thus began a whirlwind of dating and getting closer to her. We weren’t together terribly long before we were engaged. She had already bought a house back before we were together, and so I came into the traditional home life I’d always wanted in a serious relationship.
One of the earliest images of “Abby” and I together. Back in 2007
We were not without our problems. I had extremely low self esteem, and Abby was a beautiful woman. She did side modeling and had graced the back cover of two issues of a popular swimsuit magazine on some alcohol ads, though the images were composites of her and other models who were already under contract. She had been in an extremely controlling relationship in the past, and so it seemed to me that she was exploring her newfound freedoms to do whatever she liked, whenever she liked. I had to do a lot of self regulation to ensure that I didn’t let jealousy or anger come between us, and sometimes it got the better of me. Any time we’d go out in public, I inevitably had to endure men making lewd comments about her, and a few times it even became physical. I’d always been made fun of in school, and had never considered myself “attractive” so to find myself in this new way of life, putting everything on the line to be with this woman who was very stunningly attractive, was very different for me and put me out of my element. Still, I worked very hard and after a couple years I was better with everything on that front.
She, on the other hand, wanted to live two lives – or at least that’s how it ended up being played out. One life was that of a wife and a home maker. The other was that of a party girl and someone who didn’t have any marital shackles around her metaphorical ankle. She wanted to go out every weekend, get tattoos with any of her spare money, stay out until three in the morning at shows with other friends all the time. These two lives did not mesh, and so we were both unhappy after a while. I was unhappy because it was not the life I signed up for. She was unhappy because I had issues with some of it.
We tried lots of things to mask the unhappiness. But real life has a way of bringing problems into the light. We had financial troubles. My job had always been a line of contention between the two of us. When Abby first met me, I was a shift manager at a pizza chain and she made at least three times as much money as I did at her job. When I decided to move in with her, I left my store behind (though I loved it there) and moved to a larger store but was soon after fired, which put immediate strain on the relationship. However, the reasons I was fired were not entirely my own, and so it was more just bad luck which she was somewhat understanding of. Not long after, I was hired as an assistant store manager at a convenience store chain, moving up in the world in terms of pay and respect. But, the new responsibilities and my extended time at my job left her seeing less of me and left me with lots of stress. Well, when we eventually did get married, it sort of eased things up a bit. It relaxed the tension we had. It opened up new lines of communication. We felt that we finally accomplished something, at least I did, as a couple.
It was a beautiful wedding. We were married in the Evergreen Cemetery in Portland, Maine – ironically in a graveyard, but also ironically right next door to where I work now. Our family and friends showed up and everyone seemed to have such a great time. I felt like I was on top of the world. Though we’d had problems, every couple I knew had problems. Yet someone finally chose to accept me for who I was. We went from the site of the wedding to the reception hall in a nearby motel. We all danced, drank, and it was literally the happiest I’d ever been in my entire life.
Me, beaming in my wedding attire.My best friend and best man making a speech at the reception.Our wedding dance.
We left the next day for our honeymoon in Virginia Beach, Virginia. I had never really traveled before and so it was wonderful for me to experience another part of the country I’d never been to. When we returned, life resumed for a little while as normal, and better than expected. I worked on our house with her father – whom I’d adopted as a sort of surrogate father figure. We went to family functions, we had fun and went to shows with friends. Then, there was an unexpected pregnancy and neither of us knew it. She used birth control, but because we weren’t extra careful – Abby was pregnant and then immediately lost it. She told me one day after she’d visited the doctor. Things were never the same after. We never really talked about it in any healthy sort of way, like a responsible couple. I was shocked about the whole thing, and felt terrible. To this day, I’m still not sure how she felt about it because she never confided in me. I eventually just let it go and figured she must have discovered some sort of outlet for it. Perhaps that is one of my biggest failings as a husband. I should have forced a talk, or at least tried harder. But I was trying to give her space in an already rocky relationship.
She started becoming moody. I started becoming moody. My job was weighing on me. We got a new car, and the car ended up being taken by a repo man. Our two dogs simultaneously got cancer and eventually had to be put down. I quit my job and started working at a coffee chain because I wanted to go back to school. It all seemed to happen really fast and really ugly.
One of the last times we were all together.
At one point, a year before we finally split up, Abby’s best friend “Gabe” – whom she used to date – visited from overseas where he lived. We let him stay at our place a night or two, and use Abby’s car since he was back in the US without any wheels. I found a text Abby had sent Gabe on her phone when I was looking for his number in order to call him about Abby’s car. The text said she still loved him, and then since I already found myself looking at her texts, I found other texts where she played me up to be a monster to her friends and family. Texts to her parents, her girlfriends, her male friends. It dropped me to the floor, literally. I confronted her about it and she disappeared for three days, leaving me in the dark while she hung out with Gabe and her family – excluding me.
That was the beginning of the end for us. Eventually, I finally managed to get her to go to therapy and counseling with me, but it did little good. She had already made up her mind. A year later, she wanted out and we split up. I ended up in the hospital with severe panic attacks that in one case even led to a full-body seizure. I found myself also in the psychiatric ward of another hospital, forced to wear the pajamas and everything. I had a drunken fight with one of my uncles. She got into trouble with the law. We were a mess. Eventually, I just couldn’t take it anymore and I told her I was moving out early. I helped her pay her mortage and then even though I had barely had time to save up money to leave, I paid two months worth of rent in order to move to my new place.
After that, I was broken on many levels. I had no car (aside from a beater I took on in order to pay a loan her parents had taken out, which died as soon as I paid off the loan), no belongings, no money, no credit. I’d left my new dog, Ludo with her – because she at least had a stable home life and I had no idea if I was even going to have a place to live, let alone be able to take care of my dog. I lost everything, including her family and many of our mutual friends who I had come to know well after six years, and even some of my own family for a while.
The official separation happened sometime in late 2010, closer to 2011 – and two years after that in June of 2013 we were officially divorced. We’d both had some time to calm down and explore ourselves since our initial separation, so when we finally divorced we grabbed some coffee and she finally let me vent about how I’d been treated. She had wanted to be friends, but I explained that we couldn’t, and so we parted on as good terms as possible and now occasionally contact one another if we are sent a piece of mail or find something in our own belongings that belongs to the other.
I recently contacted her regarding some old photos she said she has for me, and I had some of her old things as well – and I learned that she is engaged again. Though I wish her the best, the news hit me in ways I didn’t expect. It reminded me of my failings as a husband, about how long it has been and how even though we weren’t meant to be together – there is that “what if” factor. “What if” we had been able to work it out? I was with her for six years, and that is no small amount of time for me. I feel like I learned some things, but that it may be too late in my life to apply those lessons in any practical way. Instead, I am left with debt from a wedding that never worked out, a life that is moldering in the ground, and little prospects for a “meaningful” future, at least in the traditional sense. Will I ever have kids? Will I ever re-marry? I don’t know, but to see her already about to re-marry has sort of reinforced the idea in my head that she was never hurt as much as I was by our broken marriage.
All I can do, all anyone can do when their marriages fail – is work on the self. I just hope that I can prove to myself that I am not a failure, that I am worth something. That my identity and self-worth does not rest on a failed relationship. It is, of course, easier said than done.
I switched job locations so that I’d cut out 100 hours of driving time per week. I graduated from Stonecoast, my MFA program. I moved in with my girlfriend to one of the biggest cities in Maine (yeah, yeah – I can hear you laughing from here…but it’s a cool city). I also had lots of fun and attended many conventions and family events.
And, of course, my blog slowly made changes, too. I added the feature called Friend Files where I showcased one of my friends with each entry and why I appreciate them. I added the feature called Cosplay Confessions where I interviewed a cosplayer and asked them some basic questions about their art. I added Eight Simple Questions where I asked comic book creators, from all walks of the comic book industry, to give me the Cliff’s Notes version of what they experienced trying to get into the comic book business.
I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming to this little space of mine where I can post all my crazy ideas and photos. With this new year of blogging, I look forward to keeping up the features I’ve already established and perhaps adding some more. I would love to add a daily writing exercise blog post if possible, where I can post little writing exercises that I’ve done. Maybe another sort of interview feature where I interview writers and authors about their work.
So, thank you for the close to 4,000 views in a single year. Thank you for assisting me with various things out there, my fellow artists, friends, and cosplayers. I look forward to another year of fun blog posts.
Friend Files is a new feature I’ve added to Away With Words, this being just the thirteenth installment. I will be interviewing a friend of mine and showcasing why they are a friend to me and what I like about them, and also a mini-interview (five questions) that detail what they think of me. It’s a way to acknowledge my friends out there and what they’re up to and also introduce them to my larger group of friends, acquaintances, and anyone else who might be interested in reading.
Today, I will be talking about Tranifer Lovely. Before I get into what I think of her, here is my mini-interview with Tranifer (exchanged over Facebook) where she jotted down just a few thoughts:
Tranifer Lovely – Critter Maker, Barista, Mermaid
TRANIFER LOVELY’S FRIEND FILES INTERVIEW
ME:Give me some details about your life.
TRANIFER LOVELY: Hola, y’all! My name’s Tranifer (don’t ask me weird questions about why that is my name. I don’t ask why your name is Josh, or Sarah, or Brandon). I’m a back woods sea siren, mermaid, unicorn hybrid. I make monsters, play dress up, and sling coffee for a living.
ME:How exactly did we meet?
TRANIFER LOVELY: Uh… The Internet? I honestly am clueless about how the hell you got on my Facebook friends list, but I’m okay with it. After a while of you popping up in my news feed, you started popping up at the local Coast City Comicon (veterans from year one!) We took some good pictures together, our facebook friends thought we were kick-ass (why wouldn’t they?) the rest is history.
ME:What is one good memory you have involving me?
TRANIFER LOVELY: Uhhhh…Abe Lincoln vs. Poison Ivy. It happened.
ME:Why exactly are we still friends?
TRANIFER LOVELY: We are both super heroes whose secured identities are baristas. As the kids on the interwebs say, those aren’t aprons, they’re backwards superhero capes.
I did indeed meet Tranifer online. Though she doesn’t seem to recall the specifics, no worries because I do! (Shhhh, it’s okay Tranifer…hahaha) A mutual friend of ours back when I was married (yup, it was that long ago) was trying to put together a ghost-hunting group with me, and he said he knew a couple other people he wanted to ask. Once he asked everyone he wanted to join, he made a Facebook group and added us all to it. Well, to get to know everyone better, I ended up friend-requesting everyone in the group on Facebook, and Tranifer was one of those who accepted my request. The ghost-hunting group never got off the ground due to everyone’s conflicting schedules (though I started my own group later on called Ghost Gumshoes) but Tranifer stayed in touch anyway. I found Tranifer’s Facebook posts hilarious, and she was always doing something fun, creative, and interesting. From there, our internet friendship evolved over time.
Tranifer is not only beautiful (inside and outside), but she is super-talented in the arts. She draws a ton of cool things, makes awesome “Critters” (her name for all the stuffed animal creations she makes on her website in the link above) and she is very, very funny. She has a dry sense of humor, which is something I’m drawn to in people. She is also a great proponent of the arts, and she is doing a thing on her blog now where she interviews artists and promotes their work on her site. Propping up fellow artists is something I always strive to do, and it makes me happy to see others doing it so readily like she is.
Since we first started speaking on Facebook, I’ve had the pleasure of talking with Tranifer at a couple of comic conventions (mostly Coast City Comicon, as she said above) in person as well as having several online conversations with her where we discussed our pasts, our present jobs as Baristas at Starbucks, and various other things nerdy and otherwise. She also introduced me to her boyfriend, and although I haven’t talked with him much he seemed like a really nice and cool guy.
Some of our ideologies differ, but that’s okay because Tranifer is one of those rare people who doesn’t let viewpoints get in the way of friendship. I am always thankful for those people in my life, because real life consists of a myriad of different outlooks, not all of them uniform. I think we share a great respect for one another, though you’d have to ask her if that was the case or not. I know I respect her because she’s been through a lot in life already, as I have, and those of us who’ve walked through the fire can usually relate pretty well to each other’s experiences even if it made us into different people.
All in all, I am thankful I chanced into meeting Tranifer and got to know her through her Facebook musings. We not only became internet friends, but real-life friends as well. This is another scenario which illustrates that internet friendships can be fostered and don’t necessarily have to stop outside of their digital foundations.
And with that, I leave you with some photos relevant to my friendship with Tranifer:
Tranifer using my lightsaber at Coast City Comicon.A drawing I did of Tranifer and a couple of her “Critters” one day, based on one of her Facebook photos.Me as Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, facing off against Tranifer in her Poison Ivy getup. This was the first time we met in person, I think.Tranifer is good with makeup and, as she says, likes to dress up.Tranifer and her boyfriend Sam.A Critter I bought from Tranifer at Coast City Comicon 2013.
Away With Words 