Anger And Fighting Back

I don’t get mad very often, but I’ve been mad before – because, let’s face it – who hasn’t? I’m one extreme or the other, though, and I know that’s potentially unhealthy – but so far, I have not been extremely mad very often in my life.

The last time I was mad – extremely mad – I was walking on Old Orchard Beach here in Maine. I didn’t know what I was doing there, but I needed to get away from my house in Saco. My wife and I were separating, and being in the house and still living there while we sorted that out was one of the worst times of my life. Living there during that time was like living inside a casket with the corpse of our marriage decomposing all around me.

On the beach, I stalked the edge closer to the road, walking up and down the sand, my blood and brains boiling. I didn’t know what I was looking for until an SUV containing multiple men rolled slowly past me with the windows down. One of the guys in the passenger seat looked me in the eyes and shouted “LOOK AT THIS LITTLE FUCKIN’ BITCH.”

Without thinking, still looking at the guy, I shouted back “YOU’RE THE BITCH, COCKSUCKER.” I finally knew what I was looking for.

Mentally, I made a note. “Joe, it’s an SUV full of people who are presumably looking for a fight. How many are in the vehicle? Do they have weapons?”

The SUV came to a dramatic stop, rocking forward as the brakes were suddenly applied. I calmly turned around to look at the back of the vehicle. I could hear their voices from within. Then, looking around for a second, I bent down to pick up a large, jagged rock in my hand.

I stood there, rock in hand, daring the men to come out of the vehicle. Eagerly, even. I was filled with fury and I intended on taking at least one of them to the hospital with me.

The SUV was silent and still. It waited there for a long time. I didn’t move. I just stared and fumed, trying to get the best grip on the rock as I could. Then, the SUV turned around the corner and was gone.

Sometimes, fighting back is stupid. Sometimes, It’ll get you more in trouble, and more hurt, than is necessary. But at what point do you allow yourself to be degraded before none of that matters? I’ve been degraded enough in my life already, by many different people. It’s not going to happen any more without me eventually fighting back. Yet, there is always the anger that you have to watch out for. Anger is what made me seek out a problem on that lonely stretch of road, Anger is what made me shout back at the men. It’s just up to us as individuals to try to separate that anger from our dignity and self respect and relegate it to a more useful place within ourselves.

The Rundown

When I was fifteen years old, the world was my enemy. And why shouldn’t it have been? It was 1996. Up until that point, the world had done its best to drag me, sometimes screaming, through metaphorical gutters of the worst kinds of waste. At that young age I had already been half-starved, covered in lice and fleas, abused in the worst kinds of ways. I was a victim, but also a survivor. The constant battling only made me harder, scooped out the soft spots in large chunks so what I was left with was a veritable chitinous exoskeleton, impervious to the outside world.

As a result, when I moved to the middle-class neighborhood in New Hampshire, filled with anxious folks living in high-end mobile homes and manicured lawns – I found myself hanging for a while with the wrong crowd. Both as a response to their reactions toward me, and also as a defense mechanism. I mean, hey – if they teased me about being poor and dirty, why not throw in some good-for-nothing friends, too? I didn’t want to give in to them, to let them have the satisfaction of pushing me toward what they thought was right and “normal”. I only wanted to make them hate me more. I’m stubborn that way.

And so I became a drug runner. It was sort of an accident, at first, but in the end it was something I chose to do on my own terms. Dana was the only black guy in our neighborhood, and probably the nicest guy I knew. But he found himself in the drug-running trade, and somehow even though I listened to White Zombie and he listened to 2Pac, we connected over music. He heard me singing the lyrics to “Real Solution #9” one afternoon on the train tracks when we were walking through a patch of woods we called “Hobo Jungle” and in his laid-back way he told me that it sounded like rap, or that it could be rapped in the right hands, like Tupak Shakur’s. He made me listen to “California Love” on his walkman. At the time, I hated anything that wasn’t alternative music or heavy metal. So I politely listened, but it didn’t gel with me until years later.

Dana invited me to run with him one day while we were walking to the school. He made jokes about being a black guy in a white neighborhood. He spoke in an exaggerated “white guy” voice as if he were on the other end of a Police CB radio.

“Please be on the lookout for a black man walking with a skinny white male. Fire on sight.”

I laughed, and took swigs from my cold can of Surge.

When he asked me if I wanted to run with him, he didn’t outright ask. He just said “Hey, man. Let’s go.” He started running. I tightened my backpack straps and started running with him. We went to the other end of the trailer park, to one of the run down homes where the undesirables hung out and hurt each other with kitchen implements when they were drunk or high. When we got there, he introduced me as “Joe Cool”. I had never had anyone call me “cool” before in my entire life, so I just sort of stood there while Dana exchanged a bag of drugs for a wad of cash. And then we were on to the next house, and the next. Running drugs, and running…literally.

Finally, when we were finished that day, Dana explained to me that he was going to bring the money to a guy named Beaker. I gawked at the name.

“Beaker?” I asked, laughing. “Like Beaker and Bunsen? The Muppets?”

“I don’t know who that is,” Dana said. “They call him beaker because he’s got a big nose.” He mimed a big nose on his face and laughed.

From that day on, Dana and I went on many other runs. I never fully committed,though, and as time passed, I saw him less and less. I never really knew where he ended up, but running with him (in all senses of the word) helped me shed the side of me that was a victim. Dana provided me a framework in which to explore the idea of camaraderie, and to experience friendship. Of course, it took a few more years of getting into more trouble; riding around and doing drugs, breaking and entering, and other bad things for me to figure out who I really was under that chitinous armor I had made for myself. But I finally did it. I finally broke free.

Dana, I believe, was the catalyst for that transformation. Dana, with his racial jokes and befriending of me without caring about who I was, what I looked like, or what I had ever done allowed me to open up to my eventual friends I made before I graduated. I like to think of my time running with Dana for Beaker not as something negative, but something positive – as weird as that sounds. The people who bought the drugs, they were busy escaping into themselves, and paying money to do it. I looked to do the opposite, and I largely succeeded in most respects. I can only hope that Dana eventually outran his chosen profession in much the same way I did, and in all senses of that word.

The Cranberries

The Cranberries have always had a place in my rotating list of music.

When I first discovered them, I was living in Exeter, New Hampshire and going to high school. When I first heard the song “Linger” – with Dolores O’Riordan’s ethereal voice singing the bittersweet lyrics – I immediately connected with it, being an emotional and disenfranchised teen boy.

I had been infatuated with a girl in the neighborhood, and at the time, I was consumed by her. No matter what I did, however, it was not meant to be. We were really close in the long run, but it would only ever become a friendship and eventually not even that because time moves on and people change, including me and especially her. For a long time, the song resonated with me in the same way, and when I listened to it – I would become emotional because even though that girl was gone, others came after and the song hit me in different ways each time.

During my first marriage, I decided to interpret the lyrics in a more positive light (similar to how Adam Sandler used the song in the movie Click – where Dolores also made an appearance). I used to tell my wife at the time that the moving music and the more positive aspects of the lyrics reminded me of how my soul felt about her. She hated that, and obviously saw the most negative aspects of the lyrics, which I guess is understandable. I tried to explain to her that it was the “tone” of the song and not the actual lyrics that made me think about her, but I don’t think she ever completely understood what I meant by that.

Now, as I’m in my 30’s – the song is fluid and meaningful in many different ways to me. It represents my past, present, and future love life all at the same time but in different ways. Dolores’ haunting voice and accent, and the genuine emotion she conveys will resonate with me until the end, I think.

And it’s not just “Linger” that has been with me during my ascent into adulthood. Also “Dreams” – which is a song about her being deliriously in real love for the first time and is much more upbeat. Her youthful innocence and even naivete ring through in the song’s lyrics and tone, and I’ve also been there many times in my life. And, of course – the song about the IRA; “Zombie” spoke to my own anger and disillusionment, though – at the time – I didn’t know much about the IRA or the troubles over across the pond. Another appropriated meaning of her lyrics, I guess, for my own emotional connections.

Now – even the more calm or obscure songs I didn’t initially like, such as “Ode To My Family” resonate with me because I can relate more to them now that I’m older and have lived life a little more than I did back when I first heard “Linger”.

This post is a bit late in response to Dolores’ death, but I still think about her and the Cranberries often. I am just so incredibly sad that a talented artist such as herself died at such a young age. She was only 46 and still had so much to offer the world. However, we still have her voice, we still have her body of music. That’s something. Whatever troubles she had are now gone. I hope she’s in a better place.

If you haven’t given the Cranberries a chance, please – I implore you – give them a listen. Smart lyrics, talented musicians, and entertaining music videos…The Cranberries had it all.

The Magic Rock

I meet many strange people who seem to gravitate toward me for some reason. Perhaps it’s because I have a friendly face and relaxed mannerisms. Perhaps I’m easy to talk to. Perhaps it’s an energy I give off. In any case, Portland has no small share of strange souls who happen to come into contact with me, and the man with the magic rock was no exception.

I only had ten minutes left of my half-hour break at work. I had just finished eating most of a rather dry turkey panini when I stood up, stretched, and walked to the condiment bar nearby to get a couple of napkins. Upon returning to my seat in the cafe, I noticed a young man with baggy jeans and a black coat standing up near one of the cafe tables. The table was littered with napkins, plates, a Coke bottle, plastic bags, cigarettes, and other things. His eyes were directly on me, expectant.

“How’s your day going today, sir?” He asked, a smile spreading across his face.

“Good. You?” I replied. I started thinking as I prepared for his reply that he’d most likely ask me for money.

“I’m okay,” he said, trailing off for a moment. “Hey – I thought you WORKED here?!”

“Yeah, I do. Just on my break now.”

“OH – you’re on your break. That’s cool.”

We made small talk for a little bit as I tried to clean up my spot, hoping he’d get the hint. He rambled on about having been interviewed for an article on homeless folks by the paper (he didn’t know which one) and he said they’d taken a photo of the shelter he’d built in Baxter Park somewhere.

“I can pretty much make a shelter out of anything,” he said. “I was in the Boy Scouts.”

I believed him. “Wow, that’s awesome,” I said. “I would die out in the woods.”

He spoke to me some more about making shelters, particularly teepees. He moved closer and I could see that he had a long scar running down the left side of his face, but it wasn’t a deep scar. Another one dotted his right temple. His left hand shook, and he wore a Native American bead necklace or choker around his neck. He also wore a bead necklace with a pink gem attached at the end. He held what looked like a quartz stone in the shaking hand.

“This is my magic rock,” he said, holding his rock out for me to see. “Want me to show you how it works?”

“Sure.”

He squeezed the stone in his hand and shut his eyes, holding it to his forehead.

“I’m a Mic Mac and this has been passed down to me for generations,” he said, eyes still closed. “A lot of people, probably you too, think that this rock doesn’t hold magic – but it does. A lot of people think I’m crazy.”

“No judgement here,” I replied, holding my hands up in mock surrender.

“I’m serious, though,” he said, holding the rock up to his right eye. “You just hold the rock up to your eye like this, and if you believe in the magic? Man, whole new worlds open up to you. It’s like you’re seeing into other realities. Like, I can see the spirits of the dead.”

“Whoa.”

He talked to me about the rock at length. He mentioned he was from Bangor, but that he’d been all over. Ohio, Arizona, Mexico. I mentioned that I’d been to Bangor a few times. He began nodding.

“I don’t know why,” he said. “This is so weird, but you and I are connecting today. I feel we’re a lot alike. You’re open to the magic. Do you know Joe Dana?”

“Not sure.” I said, scratching my chin in thought. “The name sounds familiar, though.”

He went on, and on, and on – barely stopping to breathe. He casually mentioned he’d been in a foster home as a boy and I mentioned that I had been, too, at one point. His face lit up with something like recognition of another human soul who’d been through the system. I wasn’t sure why I was talking to him for so long, but I felt like I had to listen, like it was the right thing to do. It was way past time for me to be back from my lunch break and my boss was giving me the eye – we were allotted thirty minutes for a break and I’d now been gone for an hour. My concerned co-workers tried to get my attention from behind the counter by making small noises. I glanced over briefly and one of them had written “DO YOU NEED US TO SAVE YOU?!” on a piece of paper. I knew I was almost done with Mr. Magic Rock, though, so I stood up and eventually slowed him down enough so that I could get his name. It was Nick. I thanked Nick for his conversation, as well as his confidence in showing me his magic rock.

“It was nice talking with you, sir,” he said, standing up to see me off.  “Hope you have a great day.”

“Likewise,” I said, returning to my decidedly non-magic job.

My Top Ten Favorite Albums

I haven’t done a Top Ten list in quite some time, so now’s as good a time as any to list my TOP TEN FAVORITE MUSIC ALBUMS. My music tastes have gone all over the place as I’ve grown as a person, but mostly – my top ten favorite albums stay the same. Or, at least they have for a while. These albums have seen me through some interesting times in my life, and so I’m excited to share them with you and also share why I like them. While they are listed in “top ten” order, I feel like each album sort of moves around depending on my mood – so by no means is the order set in stone. It’s just an approximation. Don’t forget to leave a list of your own top ten albums in the comments. I always love music recommendations!

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10. MOULIN ROUGE!: MUSIC FROM BAZ LUHRMANN’S FILM

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. This list is already off to a bad start. Well, listen here, pal…YOU’RE WRONG. I dunno. I mean, I realize that this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I was strangely drawn to this soundtrack even before I fully enjoyed the film. Luckily, Moulin Rouge also happens to be one of my wife’s favorite films – and she was surprised to learn during one of our recent road trips that I knew every word of almost every song on the album (which, in turn, helped me to realize it was actually one of my favorite albums). The most interesting aspect of this collection of music is the deconstruction and the rearranging of several different pop hits into single ballads. For example, there is a song called “Sparkling Diamonds” which is a medley mashup of “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend” by Marilyn Monroe and “Material Girl” by Madonna. There is also one of my favorites “El Tango de Roxanne”, which is a medley of “Roxanne” by the Police, and “Le Tango du Moulin Rouge” which is super-fun and actually works really well in the film. Moulin Rouge! is interesting, novel, and makes for a really great road trip soundtrack because who doesn’t want to sing along to something when you’ve been driving for four hours? It falls behind some of the other entries on this list solely because the songs don’t exactly stand super-well on their own without the aid of the film’s visuals. Still, Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman deserve some props for their singing voices and Baz Luhrmann seems to be in tune with some serious musical tastes. I promise you won’t be disappointed if you like music with a grand scale and scope. (Plus, David Bowie’s music is filtered all through the mixes in this movie, and who doesn’t enjoy Bowie?)

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09. TENACIOUS D: TENACIOUS D

Tenacious D was an album that hit me unexpectedly when it first came out. I was sort of confused as to why Jack Black the actor felt the need to produce a music album (with the help of the Dust Brothers) when he was doing just fine as the funnyman in many of my favorite films at the time. However, the music was great and before long – I was trying to sing along to Jack Black’s hilarious (and surprisingly awesome) vocals and I was chuckling at Kyle Gass’ audio antics. Despite feeling a little clunky and not being strictly technical, the music still delivers and even if you take away the hilarity of the lyrics and the banter, the music can still stand on its own. Plus, there are a few neat guest musicians such as Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) and Steve McDonald (Redd Kross). When you hear Jack Black and Kyle Gass on the song “Tribute” – you will convert, trust me. I placed this ahead of Moulin Rouge! because it feels more like a complete album, and can really stand on its own. However, due to its comedic nature – to me, it deserves a lesser spot in the face of more technical music and professional arrangements. Still, I rock the hell out of this (and my wife and I sing along to “Tribute” whenever it comes on in the car) anytime the mood strikes me.

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08. DIVIDED & UNITED: THE SONGS OF THE CIVIL WAR

I very much dislike country music. The weird thing, though, is that I am a history nerd and also seem to like bluegrass and also some of the older country stuff like Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings. All that being said, Divided & United has definitely emerged to become one of my top favorite albums. It’s partly due to my interest in the American Civil War, but also because the collection of music has a certain charm to it. I have found a new appreciation for some country artists like Jamey Johnson, with his insanely deep voice on the track “Rebel Soldier” – and a renewed love for old favorites like Dolly Parton who offers her vocals on “Listen to the Mockingbird” alongside Stuart Duncan. What puts it ahead of other albums on my list is the sheer variety. As a CD set, this came as two discs and contains a whopping 32 tracks. However, where it falls short compared to others on my list is in its consistency. With that many tracks, it’s hard to sort of tie them all together in a way that makes sense for a real album. Still, you’d be hard-pressed to get me to ever take this off my top favorite list.

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07. BLOODHOUND GANG: HEFTY FINE

Let it be said that I experienced my main upbringing in the 1990’s, though I was born in 1981. By the time I fully appreciated music, it was in the mid-1990’s and by then – I had begun to fall in love with the music of Bloodhound Gang. They were a perfect mix of comedy and snark and talent, and I genuinely love their music still to this day, though the band has been on a hiatus for a while. When I first acquired Hefty Fine, I had graduated college and was living on my own and that album blasted from my Volkswagen Jetta nonstop day after day for months. I feel like this album was critically panned, which is why it sits lower on this list than some of the other albums, but most of the critics only panned it due to the length of the album (only nine songs) and the fact that after five years of waiting for a new album, the Gang just went back to their old schtick. I happen to like that schtick, and I think that with songs like “Ralph Wiggum”, “Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo” and “Pennsylvania” – the band continued with their legacy of clever lyrics and wit that I always enjoy them for. Critically, other albums like Hooray For Boobies will always be “better” – but Hefty Fine remains one of my personal favorites.

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06. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY: AWESOME MIX VOL. 1

The last of “informal” albums on my list, Guardians of the Galaxy: Awesome Mix Vol. 1 is probably the best soundtrack to a film I’ve ever listened to. I feel like this is partly due to me being born in the 1980’s, but also that writer-director James Gunn also fits these films around the music rather than the other way around. This creates a powerful unity within the music, especially if you have seen the film. Yet, unlike Moulin Rouge!, these songs can completely stand on their own without the aid of the film’s visuals. The fact that this soundtrack contains the superior “Moonage Daydream” by David Bowie, as well as “Cherry Bomb” by the Runaways, and even “Spirit In The Sky” by Norman Greenbaum pretty easily speaks for itself. Also, unlike Vol. 2 – Vol. 1 contains more obscure material which just gives it that much more of a cool factor.

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05. BEASTIE BOYS: LICENSED TO ILL

Beastie Boys were ALMOST the formal introduction to my personal tastes in music. One year for Christmas or my birthday (can’t remember which) I asked for Licensed to Ill for my new Walkman. Instead, my grandmother bought me Boyz II Men. I supposed it was due to the word “Boyz/Boys” being in each title. In any case, I eventually did receive Licensed to Ill as a gift and I was blown away. Now, let me just tell you right away – this is NOT their best album, by any means. That honor would go to Paul’s Boutique or Hello Nasty for me. But Licensed To Ill is where it all began, both for them and for me. And with tracks like “Rhymin’ And Stealin'” and “No Sleep ‘Til Brooklyn”, despite its faults – Licensed To Ill is a cornerstone in music history as well as my top ten list.

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04. A PERFECT CIRCLE: EMOTIVE

Maynard James Keenan is a mythical figure to me. No joke. The guy is impossibly talented, and I enjoy everything he’s done with his main band Tool – but A Perfect Circle is also right up there for me in terms of bands I just sit and listen to. eMOTIVe is basically a collection of covers, done up in the band’s signature style, with a lone track called “Passive” that is the only original tune on the album. However, the manner in which the remaining songs are disassembled and rearranged (which, apparently I find really interesting due to my love of Moulin Rouge!) makes them almost seem like original songs, despite most of them having political origins during the civil rights movement. With everything going on in the country these days, this album is now especially poignant. Give it a listen, please!

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03. DAVID BOWIE: DIAMOND DOGS

Bowie, Bowie, Bowie. One of the all-time best entertainers in the history of music. Falling at the end of an era of Ziggy Stardust, Diamond Dogs was the dystopia after that character basically self-destructed. And from the ashes of that time period, in which Bowie was involved with many other different forms of media (plays, film, etc) – Diamond Dogs erupted as a sort of critically-maligned addition to his musical line up. However, as an album, I think it has held up. Like and unlike Moulin Rouge! – Diamond Dogs is the soundtrack to an unborn stage production, yet the album can stand on its own two legs, critics be damned. To me, this is one of the most fascinating albums to ever come from Bowie, though I don’t expect anyone else to agree with me. Right from the eerie opening dialogue of “Future Legends” (the prologue to the song immediately following, “Diamond Dogs”) to the hollow and melancholy tone of “We Are The Dead” – this is one of my top favorite albums of all time.

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02. RADIOHEAD: HAIL TO THE THIEF

Wow. What an album. I know it’s not everyone’s favorite, but even above OK Computer, never have I been more emotionally mesmerized or drawn into a Radiohead album more than I have with this one. The entire album has a unique balance to it, a unique sound (electronic VS traditional), and from the opening track called “2+2=5” – Thom Yorke just belts it out. I get gooseflesh on my arms just thinking about it. On top of that, this album is – much like eMOTIVE – really poignant to the political climate we’re living in these days. “Myxomatosis” and “A Wolf At The Door” really hit home, too. This is an album I listen to when I actually want to sit and experience an entire album from start to finish. You should really check it out. If you do, we can be friends.

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01. TOOL: ÆNIMA

The Holy Grail for me – Ænima is the genius masterwork of Tool and if there is ever another album out there that can top this one, I want to hear it. The music can be at times aggressive but then melancholy and low key. The lyrics address practical concerns (being a man, etc) but Maynard James Keenan as usual provides the perfect blend of growling and angelic resonance. The band feels supremely in tune, the album is quite balanced on its own, and every member of the band seems to have hit their stride in this almost faultless production. From the amazing title track “Ænima” to the hard-hitting opening track “Stinkfist” to the brilliantly sarcastic “Forty Six & 2” – there’s so much to take in here. Also, Bill Hicks – because this album is basically a tribute to the late comedian. Hell, I’m listening to this album as a write this.

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So, with that – I leave you. These are my Top Ten Favorite Music Albums (*subject to change). But before I go completely, here are some honorable mentions:

• DAVID BOWIE: LABYRINTH MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK
• MUSIC FROM VANILLA SKY
• PITBULL: EL MARIEL
• WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
• WHITE ZOMBIE: ASTRO CREEP 9000
• BLACK EYED PEAS: MONKEY BUSINESS
• BECK: MIDNIGHT VULTURES
• SQUIRREL NUT ZIPPERS: HOT
• WU-TANG CLAN: ENTER THE WU-TANG
• JOURNEY: THE ESSENTIAL JOURNEY
• ROB ZOMBIE: DRAGULA